every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Lassie, get help!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
How do you like your Corgi?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
