every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
