every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Leaving the Barbers like
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Bill is short for Billiam
