every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
What
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
im all 3
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.