Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Social Media and Real life

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.