every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.