Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Cat or sheep

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

mmm onion ringos

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.