Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

I’m giving up ice.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

i will not be silenced

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.