Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

I think about this a lot

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary