Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

the three genders

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Taco Bell, Exit 22