Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

Oh the world we live in…

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

🚲+physics = winner