Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Always

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation