Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
🤣dope
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.