Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!