Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
You better watch out
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Anyone really
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?