Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Lube but for my dry humor.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
At least my masseuse has my back.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME