Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON