Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi