Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Ok who’s got my black socks?

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes