“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
i really liked this one
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.