Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.