Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.