Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Buck naked

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor