Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
A family that plays together cheats.