Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.