Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Go girl power!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.