Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Wikigenius
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.