Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
can’t catch a break
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.