Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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the worm is coming from inside the brain
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.