Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.