Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.