Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Bootstraps

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.