Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”