Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

🔥🔥