Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*