@LizHackett

Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

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@FunnyBison

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

@brunopieroni

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.