This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When ur friends with white people
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
For those that worship cheese..
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.