@rohoxbaby

Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”

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@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@Parentpains

Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.

@ComedicBust

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2

@alexlumaga

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

@junejuly12

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

@PJTLynch

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD