@rohoxbaby

Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”

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@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@thebeckyard

My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@StevenKJohnson

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

@Fred_Delicious

*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*

@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

@ankles_so_weak

Angel: what’s that thing for?

God: that’s the uterus. It carries life

Angel: oh nice. so it just hangs out quietly for years until there’s a baby in it?

God: lol no