Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it