“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
OH. COME. ON.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
God has left this place
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done