Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.