Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.