@kumailn

“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters

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@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

@Buffalojilll

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

@Ivsy01

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

@WenzlerPowers

Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.

@UncleDuke1969

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

@TySmithdrums

When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

@Bob_Janke

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?