Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone