Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Canadian owl: Eh?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.