Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.