@dorsalstream

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

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@Kids_kubed

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

@DBrownpants

If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. “The hamburgers are good.” And, “They don’t have hamburgers.”

@carlyme23

If you want her – tell her.
If you need her – show her.
If you yearn for her – touch her.

Just make sure her husband’s not at home.

@KarlousM

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

@LostFelicia

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

@iCumBl00d

Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row

@OrangeFact

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

@Chumpstring

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

@ClichedOut

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.