Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.