Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
You Might Also Like
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.