Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

My work here is done

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

I’m awake but I object,

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.