Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”