every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.