every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.