every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
You Might Also Like
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Follow me for more recipes
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.