Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.