Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?