every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
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Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
War & Peace
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
scares
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..