every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.