Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Every BBC series about the universe.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?