Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
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My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means