Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
doing your own taxes
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I gave up going to work for lent.