Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

my professor scared me for a second

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )