Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.