Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!