Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

*launders Kohls cash*

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.