Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
How does someone manage that 🤨
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”