Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.