every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
put ‘er there pardner!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice