every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
This is a bad sign
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Welcome to the stomach
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife