Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drew y’all a little something.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!