Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.