Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.