every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.