every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
this will hang in the louvre one day
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents